A growing list of things I have answered that never should have been asked.
As a woman, well in the world, people have felt the need to weigh in on my life choices for as long as I can remember. This has been as innocuous as family making digs at my major during undergrad and as pointed as unsolicited comments on how I NEED to have a kid. I cannot explain why the world feels inclined to chime in but sometimes I take the bate and respond.
Learn from my mistakes and remember no one is entitled to your time, energy, or explanations.
Question #1: What is your situation?
Seems like a fairly easy thing to answer, right? Wrong! This question is as loaded as they come. This is a direct way to siphon off information at the top of your mind. This question can be interpreted so many ways it will make you head spin.
* This can mean your living arrangements, I had an unsympathetic PI demand that I "just move closer to work" which I could not afford.
* This can mean your demands outside of work, I know this is often used as a place holder for do you have children or are you planning to have children.
* This can mean your intentions as related to work commitments, in the academic space this is often used to decipher if you want to move outside of academics.
Most recently this was used on me to find out about my home life. My CEO knew I had a dependent and he wanted to know how much of an impact this would have before we started to discuss coming back to the lab during COVID-19. I answered honestly, that it would completely impact my "work from home situation" and as such I should be allowed to remain remote. I was told that I needed to start looking for other employment.
What I should have done was ask for clarity. I should have made him ask the direct question. I shouldn't have given up any information for free.
Question #2: I don't understand, no one else seems to have a problem with this, why is this an issue for you?
This one is tricky. I always want to respond to this one because I feel the need to defend my decision and I want the asker to understand. I have been up against this one constantly. As an intern I was asked to work a night shift (6pm to 6am) alone in the lab at a pilot plant where I would have been the only female working at that time. Now I am sure you can think of a number of reasons this was a bad idea.
* Lab work can be dangerous and if you are working with hazardous chemicals it should not be done alone.
* A 12 hour shift is a lot for anyone, but without any support it also meant I did not have defined break times.
* I was going to be the ONLY WOMAN IN A BUILDING FILLED WITH MEN LATE AT NIGHT IN A LAB BY MYSELF.
I should not have been asked to explain my concerns, but when I was it was in front of my direct boss (F), the director of science (M), and the CEO (M) who did not seem to understand all of my concerns. Me saying that I was concerned should have been enough for the people in charge of keeping all employees safe to think about this without attaching my name to it. They shouldn't have called me out when they had to put more people on the shifts to make them 8-hours and double staffed, but they did.
You should not have to explain why you feel unsafe or uncomfortable in a public forum. It is wrong for anyone to ask this of you, and you should know that if anonymous reporting isn't available whistle blowing most certainly is.
Question #3: What's wrong [medically]?
Run don't walk away from this one! If you have a family and this is in regards to your family do not feel pressured to answer this. If this is in regards to you or your mental health do not feel pressured to answer this. Under the Massachusetts law (Paid Family and Medical Leave benefits) you can take paid time off for a serious health condition which is defined as "a physical or mental condition that prevents you from doing your job, either because you are unable to, or because you need time to get treated or recover from treatment."
More than once I have had to take time to help with physical and mental treatments of myself or others and until recently this had not been a problem. My non-work related commitments ramped up this year quite a bit and in the name of honesty I told my bosses that working more than 40 hours a week and commuting ~3 hours a day was not sustainable for me anymore with no help in the lab. The response was basically: Sorry no, I don't understand. What's wrong with [NAME] anyway?
I felt like I had to not only defend my position on my own bandwidth but also how serious my dependent's health issue was.
I answered this question because it caught me off guard. Trying to explain my personal situation without betraying confidentiality of the person in my care to my boss left me in tears. I am here to tell you that no matter how cornered you feel don't go into this with your bosses. They shouldn't ask you and you shouldn't have to dredge up painful feelings to prove that time off is warranted.
Question #4: Can you give us an extended heads up if you are thinking about leaving?
In academics they teach us early that you NEED your PI for everything. They are the gatekeepers for your degree, your grant renewals, and the coveted letter of recommendation. They tell you this on purpose. Your PI knows you are amazing. They have watched first hand while you innovate, rescue projects from oblivion, and spin multi year projects into cohesive narratives. They want you to keep working for them for almost nothing and the bad ones will sabotage you to do this.
As a postdoc I saw my PI actively try to destroy another postdoc's attempt to transition out of the lab. He didn't respond to emails, he wouldn't share letters of commendation, and when that didn't work he tried to bully her into not leaving. So when it was my turn to leave, I sidestepped him. I asked the hiring company to not reach out to my current employer and gave them another professor's information for my recommendation letter. It worked. I got the job without his help and he was pissed. When I broke the news that I was leaving in just over a month. My PI was angry. He told me I had to give 3 months notice (which is not true) and he actually said "You didn't even ask me."
This is what I told my friend when she was going thorough the nonsense and what I've had to remind myself more than once.
* It is not your job to worry about what will happen when you leave. If your PI or boss is good at their job they will have a backup plan, if not that is on them not you.
* No one deserves extra notice, you can give it if you want but you do not have to (believe me I have been burned on this more than once).
There are so many other questions that I have answered because I didn't give myself time to think. Consider this a bonus piece of advice. Silence is your friend. When you are asked a question that shouldn't have been asked, if you can hold on to your resolve, don't answer. Just let the bad question hang. Let them regret asking it in the first place, and always memorialize it in writing afterwards (I got this last tip from a lawyer so I'm taking it to heart).