I'm an opinionated and passionate person who understands that the male ego is fragile and that group dynamics are fickle.
So we have all been in "that moment". You know the one. The kind of moment where what you just heard makes you feel like you will burst at the seams if you don't say something.
You are not alone!
In my academic life I rarely acted on that internal voice. I had a small group of supportive friends/colleagues I could talk to about what I wanted to say, after the fact, but trying to bottle myself up like that was exhausting. When I tried to start adding real talk into my everyday dialogue it felt like a balancing act. What could I say about women's rights, the abuse of postdocs, or diversity in STEM that wouldn't cause me to lose my lab position. My voice was nonsexist.
Since moving to the biotech space I have felt more freedom to express myself on big issues both on social media and at work, which is great, but I still struggle to make myself heard on smaller issues.
I am the first one to admit that avoiding conflict is my knee-jerk reaction. I hate conflict! It makes my heart beat out of control, my face flush, and my anxiety skyrocket. Recently I was called out on my tendency to let other people in the room talk first. I was challenged to have more ownership in the company and to make the team better. So I faced this challenge head on. In the next company wide meeting I presented my thoughts, based on data, and staked a claim. This was met with some tension by those who like to be the loudest voice in the room and the final word on every topic.
What have I learned from meting this challenge?
Buyers remorse is real.
After I made my position known, and fired off a curt email to the offended party who "saw many flaws in my assessment" and considered my findings "dicey" I just wanted to make it all calm down. I considered apologizing and just deferring to what others thought were the best options. But I didn't. Maybe I took a strong approach, but I feel great about finally being as outspoken as my inner dialogue at work.
Understanding is one thing and apologizing is another.
Yes, I will be the one to break the ice... but no, I won't start with an apology. I guarantee that if the offended party is thinking about yesterday's events it is to show me how wrong I am not to find common ground. That is not the approach I will be taking come Monday morning. I will do my best to encourage this discussion till we reach a point where we can agree; because I would rather lift this team up than sink it.
This is harder than I thought.
I will keep challenging myself to be uncomfortable in "that moment" because it felt right. I am tired of backing down from this particular fight and I know there will be many rounds to come. It's worth it to be unapologetically me. Leaders know when humility is needed, when to listen, and when to act, go ahead and read between those lines ;)
Don't be afraid to speak your truth, not at work and not in any other portion of your life, I'm in that moment with you. I'm struggling to be heard in the way I want to be heard too, and if enough of us speak up they won't be able to pretend we're not talking.
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